Can I Drive the Bus?
by Ninjababe
Summary: Darcy Lewis, secret Slayer, and her awesome hammer, Mew Mew, meet Coulson's new team. This is set in first season Agents of SHIELD. This is part of my "Darcy and Mew Mew's Excellent Adventures" universe. Story order is in my bio.
"I can't believe all of us got captured!" Skye exclaimed as she jiggled the bars of the team's communal cell.

"It happens," Coulson calmly stated for where he stood in the back of the cell.

"And, this wasn't my fault!" Fitz exclaimed.

Any reply was cut off by a door nearby coming off its hinges in a scream of metal before it became imbedded in the wall across the hall.

The hammer that had broken the door open flew back through the doorway.

"Thor?" May asked contemplatively.

"Really?!" Fitz and Simmons exclaimed together.

As a female figure in full Asgardian armor strode through the broken doorway, Wade added, "I thought Thor was a guy? How did I not know this?"

"Hey!" the woman exclaimed, hands on her armored hips. "This isn't Dave and Busters!" Grinning mischievously, she added, "I knew I should've taken a left turn at Albuquerque!"

"It's Valkyrie!" Simmons exclaimed.

Darcy glared. "I hate that name! I didn't pick it! I can't even ride a horse!"

Coulson sighed as as he moved to the front of the group gathered at the bars. "Director Fury decided not to put your real name in the public database, but SHIELD had to have some codename to put on your file. Since you didn't give one, we created one for you. When you pick a codename, it'll be changed on your profile."

"Yeah, yeah, Agent Ipod Thief." Darcy replied with a sigh. "How about I get you guys out of there?"

"If applied at the right angle, the hammer should be able to destroy the lock without making the door..." Fitz started to explain. However, Darcy shrugged and yanked the bar covered door from its frame and carefully laid it against a nearby wall. "Or, you can do that."

"Shall we?" Darcy grinned.

After the group exited the suddenly deserted warehouse a few minutes later (Darcy just grinned at the looks from the SHIELD agents) and called the full situation in to headquarters, they returned to their plane.

"So, this is your 'bus'," Darcy said, looking around the cargo bay, giving Lola appreciative looks.

"Don't you have somewhere to be?" Coulson asked with and barely audible sigh.

"I've been banished from SHIELD HQ, the Helicarrier, and the Eastern Seaboard for a week," Darcy said with a grin. "Nicky got tired of agents going on psych leave."

Coulson raised his eyebrows and ignored Simmons and Fitz's whisperings of "Nicky?" "She calls Director Fury what?!"

Darcy rolled her eyes, "If they can't handle a woman 'falling' off the Helicarrier at forty thousand feet, I don't think they deserve to be in SHIELD."

Coulson resisted the urge to pinch the bridge of his nose. "Since you aren't officially in SHIELD either, I don't believe you get to make that distinction."

Darcy pointed a finger at Coulson and exclaimed, "That's what Nicky said! Only with a lot more cursing and threats. Anyway, I'm here for a week."

"Joy," Coulson deadpanned. "Everyone, this is Darcy, Darcy, everyone. Ward, get her a bunk."

"Where's your stuff?" Ward asked as she strode over and the others wandered off.

"I left it in that corner," Darcy said, pointed near the back of the cargo hold, "when I figured out you guys had been kidnapped. I may mail it home. It's a bitch to carry luggage on Mew Mew Air."

"Mew Mew?"

Darcy raised her hammer and grinned.

"Well, come this way," Ward said, leading Darcy toward the spiral staircase. "I'll have your bag brought up later." As they moved through the plane, he asked, "How did you figure out we were captured?"

"I used my keen intellect and amazing sense of deduction," Darcy replied with a grin. After a pause, she continued, "I called and asked Nicky, well, his assistant, if the plane was supposed to be on the tarmac with the back door' open. They gave me the GPS coordinates of your last location of your cell phones and I followed it using my phone."

After being shown her bunk, Darcy took a moment to look at the literally closet sized room. "Wow, spacious." Turning to Ward, she smiled. "Thanks!"

A few minutes after Ward had left, Fitz showed up. "Here's your stuff!" he said, straining to keep the duffel bag he was holding off the floor.

Reaching out, Darcy grabbed the bag handles in one hand and easily slung it onto her bed. "Thanks."

"Where's your hammer?" Fitz asked as he looked around the small space.

Darcy smirked, "Around."

An hour later, after the 'bus' had taken off, Darcy decided to explore her temporary home.

Pausing at the lounge area off her bunk, she watched Ward and Skye softly discuss a document on the table in front of them.

Ward looked up. "Squared away? Do you need anything?"

"I'm good," Darcy replied with a small smile.

Skye nodded at the detailed hammer pendant Darcy was wearing. "That's a pretty necklace."

"So, you love your weapon so much you wear a replica of it as a necklace?" Ward smirked.

Darcy grinned. "Something like that."

"Good, you're settled in," Coulson stated as he appeared from nowhere.

"Gah!" Darcy exclaimed, hand at her throat in shock. "Stupid ninja-agent skills!"

"Come with me," Coulson said, ignoring her outburst as he strode to his office.

"Whatcha want, Agent iPod Thief?" Darcy asked as she sat down in the office.

"Since you're here for at least a week, you'll need to make yourself useful. Write up, in normal, college paper level English, everything from the first meeting of Thor up to today that SHIELD may find useful."

"Yay, paperwork," Darcy intoned sarcastically before taking a deep breath and shrugging. "At least it isn't spreadsheets."

* * *

Darcy's week of 'exile' was almost over. She just had two days left of avoiding the science twins' pleas to scan her or Mew Mew, and avoiding Agent May and Ward's attempts to spar and see how tough the Valkyrie' really was.

Coulson's voice came on over the plane's internal intercom system. "We're coming in hot!"

"Well, damn," Skye exclaimed as she ran towards the back of the plane to open the cargo bay doors, Darcy a few feet behind her.

The two scientists looked up from their workstations to watch the two women run by. The two ran down one side of the glassed in cube, where only the a foot or so of each side of the corners were made of metal. Skye was intent on getting to the lever as quick as possible, and Darcy clutched at her neck.

By the time Darcy had turned the corner and was visible on the other side of the glass cube, Skye had reached the lever.

However, the two scientists were staring at Darcy, who was suddenly in her Asgardian armor, holding Mew Mew in a ready stance as she continued jogging towards the lowering ramp.

"That's... interesting," Fitz softly said as he locked the science department from entry. Now, the two were safely ensconced in a nearly-impenetrable cube. Skye hid in the shadows near the lever she had pulled, a gun in her slightly shaking hands.

After a few minutes of the sounds usually heard in a fight, the team's SUV pulled back into the cargo bay with Agents Ward and May jogging behind.

"We're clear," Coulson called out as he exited the SUV on the driver side. Shortly after, Darcy strode in, again wearing her normal jeans and t-shirt.

"What?" she asked, blinking at all of the stares directed at her.

"How did you..." Simmons asked, nearly speechless, trying to figure out the mechanics of changing clothes that quickly.

"Wow," Skye summed up everyone's thoughts.

Darcy shrugged. "Sorry, state secret." Seeing looks of disbelief, she continued. "No, I'm serious. Odin made me the ambassador of Asgardian Midgardian relations. I get cool toys from the big guy, and SHIELD can't use me as a convenient lab rat. I just have to translate Asgardian speak to Earth speak and vice versa. Win-win!"

Coulson shook his head. "We're doomed."

* * *

Notes:

Dave and Busters is a chain of restaurants that are like an adult Chucky Cheese. It has arcade games and such, plus a full menu and bar.

The 'left turn at Albuquerque' line? Yes, it's classic Looney Tunes.


End file.
